Smiling again..

Assalamualaikum...

Hampir sebulan lebih sy ignore blog ni. Totally ignore. x view, x pernah check if ada comment, x blog walking. Waktu tu sy mmg sgt2 depress. So, bila dah ok sikit ni, sy teringin nak share cerita sy. Kalau korg rasa sy x patut cerita benda ni kat sini, korg click la pada button x kat window ni ye..hehe. Bagi sy, writing using this blog help me to decrease and release all the things in my head n heart. So, sebelum korg salah paham, macam ANONYMOUS yang telah mengutuk saya tanpa baca blog sy habis2, sy nk bagitau..

SAYA TAK PERNAH BERNIAT NAK DOAKAN ATAU HARAPKAN YG BURUK2 TTG MEREKA SEMUA DLM CERITA INI. SY TAK PERNAH TERDETIK PUN MENYALAHKAN QADA' DAN QADAR ALLAH SWT.

Selepas peristiwa bulan 8, I've become somebody who is not me. Sy x boleh nk tgk muka kawan-kawan yang happy. Bila drg ketawa, sy rasa mcm drg ketawakan sy yg loser. Sy dikelilingi orang-orang yg berada at the top of their happiness. Having family, having boyfriend, getting married, getting baby, getting engage.

Saya menjadi seorang yg sgt sensitif. Kecik ati sikit, nangis. Hubby balik Kuantan, sy nangis. Dengar kwn2 citer pasal baby, masuk dlm bilik/bilik air..nangis. My housemates, ada 2 org yg preggy. One of them, due date cepat 2mgu je b4 me, supposedly... Each time I look at her, I felt the pain aching in my heart. Terfikir, "aku pun patutnya lebih kurg cam dia"...

I went to my mum in law's house...

NEWS 1: Maksu kami, she's pregnant 8 weeks (at that time). Sama la patutnya due ngn aku.

NEWS 2: My bro in law's wife, pregnant 6 weeks (at that time). 2 weeks later than mine.

Rasa nak pecah jantung aku tahan sebak masa tahu berita tu. Pura-pura senyum. Happy for them. Tapi aku? Nak lagi bila tgk anak my in law, main-main kat depan tv. Comel je. Lagi parah bila jiran rumah asyik2 tanya, "Dah ada 'isi' ke belum?" sibuk betul, si kepochi ni! Rasa macam nak jerit balik, "saya bukan fulltime housewife cam akak!!! xde keje lain nak buat!!!"
Sy ambil masa sebulan nk recover from the experience. I even scared thinking of getting pregnant again, but I want it sooooo bad! Takut if my 2nd pun mcm tu. Ada je org yang dah 4 kali miscarriage. Ada jugak yang preggy tapi 5bln doc sahkan the baby is incapable to live anymore. That happen to close friends and people that I know. Macam-macam dah pikir. Boleh ke pregnant semula? Ada org kata, susah nk pregnant. Ada pulak kata, cepat. Nak percaya mana satu pun x tau.

Alhamdulillah, masa minggu2 paling getir tu, bukan semuanya dugaan. Sy bersyukur sgt2 sy ada hubby, family dan kawan yang sgt support sy. Thanks Shila, because of u, I have the courage to move forward. Me n Shila had a heart to heart conversation. Shila bg advise yg sgt bagus. Kami share cerita and the stories and advise that she gave had really made me strong again. Thanks again..

Saya tahu..bila orang kata, bukan kita saja yg Allah swt duga. Ada yang lebih teruk. Saya TAHU dan FAHAM. Cuma, masa tu, otak sy x boleh nk comprehend perkataan SABAR. Sekali pun sy tak pernah terdetik dlm hati, persoalkan kuasa Allah swt. Sy cuma terfikir, mungkin sy ada dosa yang Allah swt balas dengan dugaan ni.

Seminggu selepas sy buat DnC, bulan Ramadan pun tiba. Dalam keadaan sy masih berpantang (mak sy old skool eh..pantang kena jaga), sy lalui bulan Ramadan. Tp, tulah! Sy ni jenis 'cengeng' skit. Tau x cengeng tu ape? Kuat nangis or merengek. Bayangkanlah, hari makan lauk sama je. Sy ni jenis rela x makan dr makan tah hapa2. Minggu pertama tu seksa la. sbb mak kerja lagi. dia x dapat melayan. 2nd week, mak ada kat umah. Dia masakkan food saya. Tp, terliur pulak bila tgk murtabak. Mana bleh makan, weiiii...Telur kan? Sy pun just termenung tgk org makan, buat muka sedih. Sampaikan abg ipar sy suruh sy menjamah sikit. Huhuhuuuu...xpe la... *tau plak takut* hehehe....

2nd week Ramadan, sy demam kuat. Hubby la menjaga dr pg sampai ptg. Tergendala agenda nk mengemas rumah dia. Temperature sgt tggi sampaikan hubby kata panas mcm periuk nasi (hahahaha, ape punya perbandingan la).. G klinik, doc suspect denggi, tp dia monitor 2hari lagi. dia kata, kalo x ok admit hospital la. xmauuuu!!!

3rd week Ramadan. Badan sy gatal2. naik ruam2 merah. muka pun ada kesan. pergi jumpa doc dia kata, alergic. HUH? Hari Jumaat saya xbleh tahan dah..This time dah ada kesan ruam byk kat tgn...Sy g punch card, cancel kelas, trus gi klinik.  Hasil- test denggi, amik darah. Adeiii....part amik darah tu yg x berkenan skit. Bukan takut jarum, tapi urat sy ni kecik. Aritu masa DnC, bengkak masuk drip pun x surut2. Biru tangan sy lebam sbb amik darah. tu pun lepas dua kali try. Huhuhuhuuuu. Result - viral rashes. Cakap je la demam campak..viral plak!

So, tu je la... sekarang sy dah OK. and eager of getting pregnant again. Till then...bubye..XOXO

i'm BACKKKK!!!!

Salam..
Hye everyone..i've been missing for a month, rasanya. Rasa dah rindu plak kat blog ni..hehe..Sebelum terlupa.. SELAMAT HARI RAYA!!! and MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN

So, updates..

Raya baru2 ni sangat la bestnya. First, saya raya bersama my hubby. First time raya jadi bini orang..haha. Dulu, raya tahun lepas, bukan bini orang, bukan tunang org and x sempat merisik pun..hehe. So, tahun ni status sgt la berbeza. Saya dah kena bagi duit raya ke?? Haha...

@ kampung

Raya pertama, rumah mak saya. Rumah emak-emak kitorg dekat je. 5km je. Takde la isu nak gaduh sangat balik raya kat mana sbb kalo rasa nak balik, kitorg balik je la. Just that, nak la merasa kemeriahan raya pertama tu kan. Tp xpe, raya ni turn mak saya ye, en. Faiz. Pagi raya tu pegi tangkap gamba kat kedai gambar. Family Kak G je xde. drg beraya kat Pekan. After that, balik kampung kat Kuala Tekal.

Raya kedua, balik raya ke kampung belah mak hubby saya. Nama kampung tu sedikit kelakar. LENGKONG. kat Karak. Memandangkan saya adalah ahli keluarga terbaru, time ni la nk kenal2 sedara. walaupun ada masanya rasa nak cekik2 hubby sbb tgl saya sorg2..geram tolll!! 
Raya ke-3. Mak mentua saya buat umah terbuka. Pergh...rasa kembang tangan basuh pinggan. Haha. Not bad la.

Raya ke-4 & 5, kami dah balik ke Kuantan. Hubby kerja. Saya? Saya cuti seminggu. Sedaplah melepak. Tapi x jugak. Sibuk mengemas umah n basuh baju. Biasa la...umah kena tinggal lama.

@ Muzium Samudera, Malacca

Cuti 1M'sia - Saya ngn hubby pergi Jalan-jalan Cari Pasal. Kami jenjalan ke Melaka. Merasa ikan bakar, naik Menara Taming Sari, pergi Taman Buaya...Hahaha.. Xde kerja btol kan? Jumpa la kwn2. Cahaya and Har (kwn TESL) and Nirul (x-skoolmate).

Har and Cahaya

Kami g Melaka 3 hari, pastu g Muar jap umah makcik n terus ke S.Alam jumpa my BFFs. Lynn, Lilee and Rynn bersama hubbies and babies. hahaha

BFFs..

Saya dah start kerja sekarang. Punyalah malasnya...seriously!! Tapi xpe, sem dah nak abis lagi 3 mgu. So, sabar je la. Pastu leh rileks....

owh..lupa... my wedding album da siap.. hehe



outdoor @ Kuantan



Wedding day



me n roomie- kak seri.
Akad nikah





Till then..daaaa

offline for a while....

I think i need to take some time off. I couldn't carry the mountains on my shoulder anymore. The only things I wrote right now are about sad and depression.

I'll be back with new entry which I hope that I can be myself again..

Till then... tata

Tak mampu...

Tak mampu rasanya nak berdepan dengan orang yang sedang gembira sedangkan aku patut salah seorang dr orang-orang tu...
Tak mampu nak senyum dan kata "saya dah ok...tak ada apa-apa"
Tak mampu nk duduk diam dan tak berfikir tentang kenapa dugaan tu datang pada diri sendiri
Tak mampu nak baca tulisan orang lain di blog drg dan juga status di FB

saya tahu...

Bukan salah mereka pun..
bukan niat saya nk menyalahkan mereka
tak terlintas pun nak menyalahkan takdir Allah swt

cuma...

terlintas di dlm hati...
saya cemburu dengan org lain...

saya belum kuat nak hadapi semua ni...

Sunday, 080810

9.30 am.
went to see the doctor
the baby's heartbeat was no longer there
suggested to do DnC ASAP

12.30 noon
took the medicine

2.30pm
had the DnC to remove it

Monday
Aug 9-13
on sick leave

Baby's blues

Heyo.. hee

Few days ago, things that happened was a really scary moments for me and hubby. but before I start sharing the story, I may as well declare that I am currently (at the moment of me typing this), 7 weeks pregnant. YAY!! hehe

Yes, that is a very happy news for me, hubby, families, and my friends.

Ok..let us proceed to the story..

Semuanya start masa aku kat kuantan, rumah kitorg. Malam Sabtu tu my big sis dtg tido.. Kitor dah lama x jumpa, so kitorg seronok la bercerita.. catching up each others story.

Then, at 12, sy masuk tido. Feeling uncomfortable, i went to the toilet. Terkejut... biru dah muka.. My eyes caught the stain of blood. For pregnant mum, this is not a good sign. I was scared like hell.

Pelan2 kejutkan hubby and told him bout what happened. Time tu, Allah je la tahu betapa takutnya aku. But, hubby kept me calm from crying. He told me to sleep first and worries about it tomorrow since it is just spots of blood.

Esoknya, aku n hubby pegi ke Klinik Al-Farabi first. Tapi, umat kt dlm tu..... Ya Rabbi. Ramaiii!!! so, we decided to go to Temerloh since nk pergi kenduri Jasmin jugak. Kitorg pun balik. After kenduri, kitorg trus g klinik.

First skali.. scan. The doc dah buat muka cuak. X nampak pape.. HAH???? Dia tanya, dah buat pregnancy test? What taaaa???? Mesti lah dah wei! huhuuu... aku dah takut...

Pergi buat skali lagi. Still, it is POSITIVE...

Then, doc nyer conclusion
1. Early pregnancy
or
2. Ectopik pregnancy (hamil luar rahim)

and because x nampak dlm scan dia kata ada possibility yang tggi untuk choice no 2. Dia suruh aku balik, monitor for 2 weeks. and if bleeding lagi mlm ni and esok..I need to go to hospital.

I went home, and started crying all the way back to Kuantan. I had the feeling that I could not save the baby. I had all the symptoms of the ectopic pregnancy. Masa tu, rasa cam x tertanggung dh perasaan ni. I almost blame everythig that happened to me. Still, Hubby was there and trying to comfort me.

Next day, the bleeding is still there. Hubby x kerja and decided to send me to hospital. Dah dekat ngn hospital, kitorg diskas lagi. Then, kitorg decided not to go to the hospital yet. Kitorg gi private clinic.

Kat klinik tu lagi la ngeri... huhu.. Scan, still x nampak. Dia kata scan through.... erkkkk!!! mummmyyyyy!!!! But then, redha je la. Time tu, me n hubby dah tinggal tggu doc say the words " Sorry, the pregancy is ectopic. You need to go to the hospital to remove it" BUT!!!! instead he said,

"Ada ni. Tapi still kecil n weak."

Hubby n me cam tergamam kejap. Eh??? biar betul???

"Dalam rahim ke doc?" tanya hubby.

"Aah. Dalam rahim." tetiba doc tu turn on dia nyer volume.. and there were the most cute heartbeats i've ever heard. My baby's heartbeats. I was speechless.

It's discovered that yang rahim di bawah. so, couldnt see through usual ultrasound. Selepas dengar pesan doc, for what so..what so not... and i even got an injection (Please, don't ask me where... huhu). ubat 3 bungkus. Perghhh..Penat la den! Pastu dapat MC seminggu. Best? Ok la, sbb dah lama x dapat rest camni.

We decided that I will stay at Kuantan since hubby kerja dekat je ngn umah. anything emergency, dia ada dekat.

First day- amik ubat. satu ubat tu sgt la kuatnya. Muntah dari pagi.
Second day- less dose. ok la. tapi I tried to drink milk. Result: sakit perut dr tengahari sampai malam. Benci dah tengok toilet tu rasanya..
Third day- No more milk, higher dose. Ok..nothing bad happen. Just few times feeling nausea.
Fourth day- Ok..Mummy in good condition.

But, bleeding masih lagi sama. Atas pandangan mum n mum in law, jangan stress sgt. Maybe it is nothing. Ada je kekwn and sedara-mara yang had worse than my case. So, key point nya... No stress!

Today, almost a week dah kat kuantan. Feeling better. Thanks kawan2 yang sangat concern. My housemates yang sgt ambil berat, Lynn yang terpaksa dengar sedu2 kat telefon..hehe. Mummy n mummy in law. I know how hard the tried not to show their worries.

Paling banyak skali...MR. MOHD FAIZ. My superhero. Thanks for being a man for me. Hantar nasi, beli breakfast, gosok baju sendiri, bawak tengok movie. Punya la nak memujuk supaya aku x boring..hahahaha...

Anyway...I'll try to be a good mommy for my precious baby Humaira. (It is just a guess, cuz we like the name so much)..

Till then..daaaa

Blessed..

Alhamdulillah...

I've been blessed

..with a happy life
..loving husband
..great families

and future precious little sunshine...
what more could i wish for...

Assessment 1...ahaks

Yoohaaa!!

Minggu ni da mula test. Yang ni first. hikhik...

Mak mentua nak dtg.

Aku duk pening nak masak ape. Yela. selama ni masak pakai campak2. Mana la ade plak aku ikut resipi memana. Nak masak cincai boncai, aci la. Ni, masak untuk orang yg expert. Yang tau kurang gula, lebih garam ni... Haduiii....

Mummmmmyyyyyy!!!!!!

Cerita kerja

Hi!

Kalau cerita pasal kerja, saya mmg depressed. Saya adalah seorang manusia yang sangat suka duit tp malas kerja. Hahahaha.

Minggu ni, dah start sem baru July-Nov 2010. So, dengan jayanya saya mulakan sem ni dengan menjadi fasi utk satu modul. Untuk students baru. Malang nasib saya, students yang saya dapat adalah sangat pasif. Ada seorg tu over plak time2 explain presentation tp, kira bagus la... mampu explain ape yang dia nk. Yang lain2 pikir nak balik je... Bila drg ni malas, sy pun malas la. Lagi la xde mood. Sumpah, rasa menyesal terima pelawaan tu. kalo x, saya tgh bersenang-lenang kat umah mak.

Isnin tu, saya dah masuk kelas. Sebulan x cakap bahasa mat saleh ni, lidah saya ade tergeliat siit. sampaikan konpius ejaan assessment tu satu 's' or dua 's'. Hmmm...x kiasah la. Sem ni, hours saya masih lagi 22 jam. No complaint la, sumer staff department saya pun camtu. Fair n square. Tapi yang x tahan, students sem ni. Ade yang hyper active, fun, ade plak tuh...adei..... bakal dapat migrain la nk ajar. Nak suruh jawab 'yes' and 'no' pun, x kuar suara. Dei...yennadei solamma???? Adeh!

Nak lagi klaka, sy rasa pelik bila nk suruh students panggil saya puan or mdm... Rasa x cool. Rasa bila tuka status, sy dah x cantik.. walaupun masa sy masih 'miss' dulu xde la cantik mana, hikhik

Kelas-kelas saya merata-rata. Memula kat blok ni, japg kena g blok satu lg. Pastu ade kelas malam. Tapi saya redha je. Jangan banyak songeh!

Kelas kat UPM x start ag ni. Minggu depan first class. Sem ni amik paper research ngn SLA. Dah tu, partner in crime x amik paper research. Sedey...nanti sangap ar...

Sem ni, sy mmg xde rasa nak start kerja. ~sigh~ Mood nak kerja tu xde lagi la. Saya malas sungguh.

Hari ni dah masuk 3 hari saya puasa. Geng2 kitorg pun ramai puasa. puasa ganti, puasa sunat, diet... skali la tuh.Sampaikan Fiza pun praktis puasa. Nak tengok larat ke x dia pose. Hehe, mummy to b la katakan...  Alhamdulillah.

Ok la....sy ni actually tgh break. Kelas kul 2 kang. Malasnya!  Jom balik, tido sat. Yipeee!!!