offline for a while....

I think i need to take some time off. I couldn't carry the mountains on my shoulder anymore. The only things I wrote right now are about sad and depression.

I'll be back with new entry which I hope that I can be myself again..

Till then... tata

Tak mampu...

Tak mampu rasanya nak berdepan dengan orang yang sedang gembira sedangkan aku patut salah seorang dr orang-orang tu...
Tak mampu nak senyum dan kata "saya dah ok...tak ada apa-apa"
Tak mampu nk duduk diam dan tak berfikir tentang kenapa dugaan tu datang pada diri sendiri
Tak mampu nak baca tulisan orang lain di blog drg dan juga status di FB

saya tahu...

Bukan salah mereka pun..
bukan niat saya nk menyalahkan mereka
tak terlintas pun nak menyalahkan takdir Allah swt

cuma...

terlintas di dlm hati...
saya cemburu dengan org lain...

saya belum kuat nak hadapi semua ni...

Sunday, 080810

9.30 am.
went to see the doctor
the baby's heartbeat was no longer there
suggested to do DnC ASAP

12.30 noon
took the medicine

2.30pm
had the DnC to remove it

Monday
Aug 9-13
on sick leave

Baby's blues

Heyo.. hee

Few days ago, things that happened was a really scary moments for me and hubby. but before I start sharing the story, I may as well declare that I am currently (at the moment of me typing this), 7 weeks pregnant. YAY!! hehe

Yes, that is a very happy news for me, hubby, families, and my friends.

Ok..let us proceed to the story..

Semuanya start masa aku kat kuantan, rumah kitorg. Malam Sabtu tu my big sis dtg tido.. Kitor dah lama x jumpa, so kitorg seronok la bercerita.. catching up each others story.

Then, at 12, sy masuk tido. Feeling uncomfortable, i went to the toilet. Terkejut... biru dah muka.. My eyes caught the stain of blood. For pregnant mum, this is not a good sign. I was scared like hell.

Pelan2 kejutkan hubby and told him bout what happened. Time tu, Allah je la tahu betapa takutnya aku. But, hubby kept me calm from crying. He told me to sleep first and worries about it tomorrow since it is just spots of blood.

Esoknya, aku n hubby pegi ke Klinik Al-Farabi first. Tapi, umat kt dlm tu..... Ya Rabbi. Ramaiii!!! so, we decided to go to Temerloh since nk pergi kenduri Jasmin jugak. Kitorg pun balik. After kenduri, kitorg trus g klinik.

First skali.. scan. The doc dah buat muka cuak. X nampak pape.. HAH???? Dia tanya, dah buat pregnancy test? What taaaa???? Mesti lah dah wei! huhuuu... aku dah takut...

Pergi buat skali lagi. Still, it is POSITIVE...

Then, doc nyer conclusion
1. Early pregnancy
or
2. Ectopik pregnancy (hamil luar rahim)

and because x nampak dlm scan dia kata ada possibility yang tggi untuk choice no 2. Dia suruh aku balik, monitor for 2 weeks. and if bleeding lagi mlm ni and esok..I need to go to hospital.

I went home, and started crying all the way back to Kuantan. I had the feeling that I could not save the baby. I had all the symptoms of the ectopic pregnancy. Masa tu, rasa cam x tertanggung dh perasaan ni. I almost blame everythig that happened to me. Still, Hubby was there and trying to comfort me.

Next day, the bleeding is still there. Hubby x kerja and decided to send me to hospital. Dah dekat ngn hospital, kitorg diskas lagi. Then, kitorg decided not to go to the hospital yet. Kitorg gi private clinic.

Kat klinik tu lagi la ngeri... huhu.. Scan, still x nampak. Dia kata scan through.... erkkkk!!! mummmyyyyy!!!! But then, redha je la. Time tu, me n hubby dah tinggal tggu doc say the words " Sorry, the pregancy is ectopic. You need to go to the hospital to remove it" BUT!!!! instead he said,

"Ada ni. Tapi still kecil n weak."

Hubby n me cam tergamam kejap. Eh??? biar betul???

"Dalam rahim ke doc?" tanya hubby.

"Aah. Dalam rahim." tetiba doc tu turn on dia nyer volume.. and there were the most cute heartbeats i've ever heard. My baby's heartbeats. I was speechless.

It's discovered that yang rahim di bawah. so, couldnt see through usual ultrasound. Selepas dengar pesan doc, for what so..what so not... and i even got an injection (Please, don't ask me where... huhu). ubat 3 bungkus. Perghhh..Penat la den! Pastu dapat MC seminggu. Best? Ok la, sbb dah lama x dapat rest camni.

We decided that I will stay at Kuantan since hubby kerja dekat je ngn umah. anything emergency, dia ada dekat.

First day- amik ubat. satu ubat tu sgt la kuatnya. Muntah dari pagi.
Second day- less dose. ok la. tapi I tried to drink milk. Result: sakit perut dr tengahari sampai malam. Benci dah tengok toilet tu rasanya..
Third day- No more milk, higher dose. Ok..nothing bad happen. Just few times feeling nausea.
Fourth day- Ok..Mummy in good condition.

But, bleeding masih lagi sama. Atas pandangan mum n mum in law, jangan stress sgt. Maybe it is nothing. Ada je kekwn and sedara-mara yang had worse than my case. So, key point nya... No stress!

Today, almost a week dah kat kuantan. Feeling better. Thanks kawan2 yang sangat concern. My housemates yang sgt ambil berat, Lynn yang terpaksa dengar sedu2 kat telefon..hehe. Mummy n mummy in law. I know how hard the tried not to show their worries.

Paling banyak skali...MR. MOHD FAIZ. My superhero. Thanks for being a man for me. Hantar nasi, beli breakfast, gosok baju sendiri, bawak tengok movie. Punya la nak memujuk supaya aku x boring..hahahaha...

Anyway...I'll try to be a good mommy for my precious baby Humaira. (It is just a guess, cuz we like the name so much)..

Till then..daaaa